E11: Ellen Boeder on Attunement, Attachment, Regulation and Having the Relationships We Want

This podcast we discuss attachment theory and the nervous system. We talk about navigating relationships as new moms and as partners, co-dependence vs. interdependence and how mom, partner and baby’s needs can all be met allowing everyone’s cup to be full.


In this episode Ellen shares:

  • How attachment affects our nervous systems and relationships with our children and our partners.
  • The reality of coming from an adulthood of independence into motherhood
  • The challenges of preparing for the unknown
  • The kind of family we can create where everyone can get there needs met
  • How to preserve a great relationship and couple primacy

What You’ll Hear:

  • Attachment theory 101 (2:00)
  • What is regulation of affect emotions and feelings (4:30)
  • How are we showing regulation of affect (7:30)
  • Will these feelings effect my children – who’s regulating the regulator? (10:00)
  • The unique role of single parenting and co-regulation (13:30)
  • Coming into parenthood from an adulthood of self-reliance and independence (16:00)
  • It’s not personal failure (18:00)
  • Co-dependence vs. Interdependence (19:00)
  • Separations and reunions (26:00)
  • How to help ease transitions (28:00)
  • Asking for help (32:00)
  • What can you do ahead of time to continue marital satisfaction before baby (35:00)
  • The couple bubble (40:00)
  • I feel disconnected from my partner, is it too late to start? (45:00)
  • What do you want to shout from your megaphone? (53:00)


Ellen Boeder, MA, LPC has been a licensed psychotherapist since 2003, primarily working with women in a range of healing contexts. Her experience includes working with teenage girls in residential treatment, helping women recover from eating disorders, and facilitating women moving through trauma, addiction, mood, and relationship crises. She has a strong background in yoga and meditation, and her graduate training in Transpersonal Psychology also deeply inform her work. Since becoming a wife and a mother to two children (now 6 and 8 years old) she works primarily with couples. Ellen is trained in PACT, a therapeutic modality founded by Stan Tatkin, PsyD., that synthesizes attachment theory, neuroscience, affect regulation models to support couples in creating an enduring and nourishing relationship through secure functioning. Ellen is on faculty for The Relationship School, founded by her husband, Jayson Gaddis, and she also writes a blog on motherhood and relationship. With warmth and eloquence, Ellen brings her lived experience as a woman, wife, and mother into her understanding as a clinician.


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